I am very stressed and I didn’t tell anyone about it just cus it usually doesn’t really help when I talk to someone about it and I’m tired and it feels like too much to go to school tomorrow. Everything is always so stressful and I feel like I need to get to the bottom of the help I need. My Dad said he would talk to the doctor about a psychiatrist but he’s been busy with work so he hasn’t yet. I don’t even know the root of my stress outbreak right now. I can’t remember a day I haven’t been stressed or worried since 2018. Just a lot of things were going on today.
It was my birthday last week and my mom got me a gift I didn’t want. She has been doing this thing for years where she asks me if I want something expensive, I say no because I won’t ever use it, she buys it, I don’t use it, and she calls me a waste of money. This time it was $315 suitcase. I have a suitcase. She threw a tantrum. Boowomp no birthday gift for me. My girlfriend was visiting for the first time in 3 months last ~two weeks. She left on Friday. I can’t take it. Steam opened and it showed to login to her or my account on my computer and I started sobbing. Her stuff isn’t in the bathroom anymore. I kept telling her to move her clothes in my room because they took up the floor space and I want them back there. Nobody is here to wake me up with loud snoring and breathing or make my bed so hot I can’t sleep and I hate it.
I’ve had a lot of trouble sleeping this past year. I can’t ever relax, I have dreams almost every night and these past couple months I’ve started waking up multiple times in my sleep. Everyday I go to school and I get home and break down. My body and brain have no energy to do anything useful. I just cry and watch videos or TV and fall asleep early. It makes me feel worse about everything.
A couple minutes ago I told my girlfriend I wanted her to move to my city as soon as she could. She’s an 18 hour drive away and she does online school and has a lot of free time. She says its too hard to move here in 3 months but I wish she would for me.
When I first started mentally struggling my Dad moved across the country in two months. I hadn’t lived in the same state as him since I was two years old and I keep getting new information about the move that makes me appreciate him even more. He drove to my city, well over 20 hours, uprooted his life, broke up with his girlfriend.
I feel like life moves at too fast of a pace for someone like me. I am grateful for how quickly the rough months go by for me but I don’t feel like I ever get proper breaths in between for anything that happens to me. I need like at least a month of sleeping in and not thinking about anything. The second half is impossible for me because if I was given the break I needed I would make myself feel guilty about it and somehow make it useless in the first place.
bye for now