I enjoy watching people achieve what I hope to achieve in the next few years. I get this overwhelming reaction and I always start crying and I’m not particularly sure why. I know I aspire to similar or the same goals as them, but I just become overtaken by the feeling of either succeeding tremendously, or potentially the outcome that it can never be me. Its scary to say that potentially it can’t be me because under no circumstance I want to admit to my doubts. I feel like I’m making it possible by admitting that its something I think about and fear often. If I got rejected I would reread the letter millions of times. The same feeling arises when seeing dedicated mothers. Mothers that bring their children fruit slices and tell them to not go to sleep too late and take care of their bodies. Mothers that love their children with such gentle and tender care. Its not something that was ever available to me. I’m not sure if it will be. I don’t blame my mother. I don’t feel anger towards her. I think she lacks the self awareness to know how much she has hurt me over the years through her emotional negligence. I feel like I have been grieving the loss of a mother I never had my entire life. I get jealous and salty over disney movies! The mother wound is truly so deep and weird to posses. She knows how I feel, she does not care to change her behavior. This deep anxiety I feel over not constantly doing and producing comes from her. The idea that unconditional love exists. A substantial amount of pain in my life results from me not being able to accept love when it is given to me. “Love is a reward, it is to be earned, and it can–and will– be taken away.”
When I find myself in especially bad condition, sobbing or having a panic attack I have found that I take care of myself best when I imagine what that kind of mother would be saying to me.
“Honey, you’ve been working for hours, don’t you think it’s time to take a break and have a snack and drink?”
“How do you expect to work so hard without being properly hydrated? How much did you sleep last night?”
“There could never be anything wrong with you”
“No matter what I will love you”
And so, I get up, I cut slices of fruit and put it in a bowl for myself. I gnaw on the pieces as tiers role down my face and my vision has never been blurrier. I pour myself another glass of water. I drink it. I get back to my life and I act like it never happened.