I think we want our pain to mean something, to be worth something. When you are fit into this ultra-productivity box for so long it feels so wrong to have an emotion take up your mental space for hours and it not amount to anything. Its more stressful to have it be worth pity. “Why doesn’t my pain pay me back in the long run? Can’t it be worth something to me?” Pain doesn’t always have to have a meaning. It’s something I can tell myself although I want it so desperately to not be true. I want my pain to be tallied up in karma slips and to receive a food stamp for each hurt. Humans are always trying to add sense to things that don’t need explanations. Who was the first to decide that anything needed to be explained? Why would you need to explain yourself for feelings and bad days and good days. It becomes an endless competition, and although it isn’t about pain, it somewhat is. How do you overcome your pain? Give one example, 0-300 words. 200-400 words. I’m not sure if its a good thing to hope I receive a small miracle for every painful experience I have. It feels unfair to go through something, and I can’t imagine that I, barely having gone through much comparatively, am already so worked up over this. All pain is pain and nobody’s pain should be measured and compared to someone else’s.
Quite honestly, I find my pain embarrassing. I know that isn’t a good thing but I don’t want the people that say they care about me read what I say or know what I’m actually thinking and become concerned about me and start trying to help or something. Accepting help is a good thing but I have my little bubble put up because when somebody close to me points out a flaw within myself I retract and completely reset. It’s scary because it has happened before and my brain just completely shut down lol. I hope that writing this all out will help me heal, but for now, my girlfriend will stay a bit confused as to why I will not give her the link to my blog. I don’t want her to worry about me. I don’t want anyone to worry about me. Maybe some people will find this someday and enjoy reading my struggle and my actual true thoughts or be inspired to do the same, it has been much more therapeutic than I imagined. I want to be okay. I want to be strong and intelligent and magnificent and everyone who meets me to say “WOW! She truly deserves every good thing life has to offer.” I hope so.