I think I’m afraid that I’m not outstanding at all. I try so hard to be up there but never enough to where I can actually accomplish what I want to so desperately. I suck, but just enough to where its not enough of a disability to write off and can be accredited for. Nothing is truly outstanding. Nothing that is wanted or can be used or can go towards what I want to do. It is an endless struggle of trying and working and trying and working and just never being quite there. I want to be there its all I can think about but why can I never bring myself to just DO. I am always surrounded by some genius that seems to always be able to exceptionally accomplish everything I have ever hoped for. I’m not jealous or envious of them. I try not to ever view them as my competition even though thats exactly what it is set up to be. I’m not the type of outstanding they want. I crave to be treated like a precious potted plant. Someone comes and waters me, replaces the soil with more nutrient rich filling every couple weeks. Tended to, cared for. Loved and nurtured and given everything it could ever need to grow to the best it can be. I’m not a rock. I cannot form into a diamond under pressure. I resist every tremble that makes me want to cry and break up into a thousand pieces. Because the outstanding one, the one that will be picked, would NEVER crumble. They would emerge like some phoenix diamond from the ashes and become some better version of themselves. Why can’t I do that? Why is every small issue so big to me. Why am I always two steps away from being outstanding but always rest on the edge of it. I’m so tired of being on the frontier of everything I want but never being quite good enough. Never good enough to be loved and attended to and given all the care I always needed to become outstanding. I lack something so deep within me and nothing seems to account for it. I want to be great. I hunger and thirst to be great and be outstanding and help others and do what I need to do but I feel helpless and like time is ticking away and like I will get my results and be just under what I need. Never perfectly or just right. Just on the edge.